Again?!

I feel stuck....again. I don't know exactly what God wants for me yet. But it would be nice to have a record deal in his plans. Why would I have such strong Wants for this in particular? Maybe it's because I want to prove I can be better than I am right now. I can force myself not to be a shy, awkward person. That's how I feel sometimes. I stumble over my words and I can't get the knowledge out that I want people to see. Is God telling me to wait? Am I being selfish? Am I being a burden on people with how I'm living my life? I can't drive yet. Does that annoy or anger my parents? These questions always pop in my head. It drives me crazy. Why can't I be brave enough to take big steps like other people? Why am I always stuck?!

Starting Over

Recently I have started over in many things in my life. One way is inspired by a book I'm reading, "Practicing His Presence", where I will be trying my very best to think of God and have him on my mine at least one second every minute. It's hard, but for starters I always bring my mind back to Him as as often as I possibly can remember. It's like playing THE GAME. (yea, you just lost). I hope that plenty of you attempt to do the same. I was somewhat successful the other day, and I felt an amazing joy and peace come over me all that day. So I will continue to arrive harder for God in my life.

Problems; Plural

I feel unreasonably sad lately. I can't pin point exactly why, but it's just lingering there. I'm slipping back. I dread waking up in the morning and having to face the day. I have problems I suppose. No, I'm not suicidal or anything. But, it's really weighing me down. *sigh* I'm not myself right now.

The Blutrausch War

The sun finally rose as I watched from my spot in the grass. I hadn't slept a wink the entire night. The ocean breeze filling my nostrils with its salty sting as the water and sea foam crashed against the cliffside. I sat up stretching my arms to the sky. My mind had been racing to fast for me to sleep. The recent events that took place have been a mystery to all but the king and myself. I knew why it happened, but it's the cause that confused me.

Why would the king allow such a slaughter if he knew what the crowd was saying was true? Why take the lives of so many people if their requests were of good reason?

"Alaois, we must start moving before someone finds us here." my trusted colleague Katsuo spoke while standing up to stretch his newly woken muscles.

"Where are we headed?" Kotori asked while strapping a sack to one of the horses.

"West, to Caput." I stood.

"Caput? But, we have a price on our heads there." Katsuo paused.

"I have something to discuss with the Prince. Plus, a threat this big is a challenge too tempting to pass up. "

Katsuo shook his head and smiled. "Can't pass up anything can you?"

"Of course not. It's as if a freshly baked drumple is sitting right in front of me waiting to be devoured. It would be a shame to pass up the opportunity.

All three men laughed as they mounted their horses and bounded off toward the last city they knew would welcome their arrival.

Somewhere in the Middle

Wish I could set myself free from these burdens, but I still feel responsible for you. Sad isn't it?

Your Broken Sister

  Dear _____,

  I wish you could know the feeling I put into these words, the pain that I've felt over this period of time.  That I understand the torment welled up inside you like a knife tearing at your heart and soul.  I wish I could have given a better explanation as to why I made the decision I did, but we needed a clean cut if this was going to be less painful than it could have been.  Never mind you'll find someone like me, probably better, I wish nothing but the best for you.  I ask that you forget me, and that your greatest dreams come true; I in turn have hidden your memory deep within my heart.  I promised that I couldn't forget you even if I wanted to, remember?

   I can't even listen to our song anymore because the aching starts again and I wish it wasn't like that.  My explanation to making the decision was that my family comes first.  And I couldn't have a sisterhood with someone who will be against my family, that's not what family is.  I've hurt my family by doing that once before, and I've regretted it ever since.  You might see your side of the story as right, and I see my decision a responsible one because of that.  You have no idea how much it was eating away at me inside because of it, I was falling deeper into a depression and I couldn't do that over again.  I was crying every night thinking of you.  I cried because I had to end it over this, and I knew I would cause you so much pain.  What your family thinks of it does not matter in the slightest bit, because it was between you and I. 

  I only wish you could know the full story, but that's something you have to decipher on your own.  A sisterhood is something that leaves everlasting imprints, some good, some that scar.  When I think back on our sisterhood I only want to remember the good memories; the times we laughed, the times we smiled, the times we cried because we were so happy.  I want to be able to think of you and not have tears swell up in my eyes or an ache in my heart that won't go away.  I promised to always be there for you, and even though I can't be there physically I will not stop praying for you.  I think about you more than once a day, and it pains me to.  I don't want your memory to bring pain.  And I wish my memory would not bring pain to you, but I know it does.  And I know it feels like it's unbearable to hold that in your heart but time forgets...

  So, even if it hurts, pretend that it's nothing.  Even if tears fall, know how to hide them.  Placing it on one side of the heart, and knowing how to smile as if nothing is wrong.  My heart is growing dim again and many lingering attachments are pulling down.  It will probably be erased, it will become faint.  Even if I say I miss you, I can't ever see you.  Even if it hurts, I have to withstand it.  Only my welled up tears remember you, and there are so many traces of happiness.  To me, love is such a painful thing.

 Sometimes, I will think of you
Only good memories will exist...

Still Forever Loved By,
Your Broken Sister

Silent Pain

  These eyes show everything you could possibly want to know. If only you would look closer at the lives of others and be able to take the time for them. Then maybe you'd see why I had to let go. You lay awake at night wondering why, but don't take the time to think. To everyone but you, it was the right choice. But I couldn't Jolson anymore, it was hurting too much, I was slipping again. Please understand why I had to say goodbye...my silent pain was something I could no longer bare so I let you go.